When my son was born it was meant to be the happiest time of my life. He was very much a wanted baby and I thought it was the perfect time to welcome a bundle of joy into our life.
But I hadn’t anticipated that it would be one of the biggest challenges of my life so far. I started to burn out and faced some dark times. This was made worse by the fact that I was a successful executive coach – oh the shame of not having it all together!
The guilt I felt about not being enough was overwhelming. I tried desperately to mother like I didn’t work and work like I wasn’t a mother.
I tried cutting down on my work. I also tried not working at all for a while (interestedly this didn’t help!). But the real change came when I started to change my life from the inside. It was this journey that inspired me to start Wisdom For Working Mums.
One of the things that helped me to find more ease with my mothering journey was to understand my drivers. The concept of ‘drivers’ originates from the theory of Transactional Analysis. This is a model for understanding human personality, relationships and communications.
Our drivers are our inner patterns and clinical psychologist Taibi Kahler identified five drivers that can unhelpfully influence us.
When I understood how my drivers were showing up in my mothering journey I was unable to unpick myself from their unhelpful impact.
Our drivers tend to get imprinted in our childhood and they influence our thinking, feelings and behaviour. They influence how we see the world and how we experience it. But often this happens out of our awareness as they tend to be unconscious.
And the problem with something being out of our awareness is that we can’t control it. We can’t change what we don’t notice. The more conscious we become of what is driving us, and the assumptions we’re making, the more we can make intentional choices about how we want to behave.
So I share these in the hope that you can understand them and work out if they are unhelpfully influencing your mothering journey.
The five drivers are:
- Be perfect
- Please (others)
- Try Hard
- Be Strong
- Hurry Up
In reasonable quantities, these drivers are helpful and help us to function and succeed in life. But when overdone they can be unhelpful and cause us stress.
Here’s an overview of the five drivers…
The ‘Be Perfect’ Driver
People with a Be Perfect driver are driven to do things right. They aim for perfection in everything, produce the perfect work and set high standards for themselves and others. They tend to struggle to take risks and embrace uncertainty.
The ‘Please Others’ Driver
People with a Please Others driver are driven to seek approval. They tend to be pleasant, understanding and very helpful. They’re reluctant to say no and tend to avoid conflict. They often struggle to be assertive.
The ‘Try Hard’ Driver
People with a Try Hard driver are driven to give their upmost and are persistent. They often have difficultly relaxing and may not know when to give up and let go.
The ‘Be Strong’ Driver
People with a Be Strong driver are driven to cope and be independent. They have the ability to stay calm in any circumstance. They often struggle to show their feelings and ask for help.
The ‘Hurry Up’ Driver
People with a Hurry Up driver are driven to achieve and as quickly as they can. They tend to be efficient and responsive. They often struggle to relax and the thought of wasting time fills them with horror.
Do you recognise any of these drivers in your own life? If you do, then great! As the first step in ensuring we keep our drivers in the ‘helpful’ zone is to become aware of them. What we are aware of we can start to consciously control. Remember each driver has its strengths, but we need to ensure that we don’t overuse them as they can then turn into a weakness.
Typically we are driven by one or two of these drivers but sometimes we can recognise and relate to all of them.
Looking back on my mothering journey I realised that I was overusing several drivers. I was trying so hard to be strong and perfect. I desperately wanted to be the perfect mum and didn’t want to ask for help. My hurry up driver meant that I struggled with the early days of having a newborn and having no control over my time or feeling like I was achieving anything. As I write this I know how crazy it sounds as the biggest achievement is nurturing a newborn baby but it was something I really struggled with at the time. My desire to please others meant that I struggled to put my own needs into the equation so didn’t nourish myself as much as I needed.
All of these, I believe, contributed to my postpartum depletion. It was only after I started to recognise my drivers and how they were unhelpfully guiding my mothering journey that I was able to move from surviving to thriving.
As I prepare to welcome baby number 2 into the world in a few weeks I’m much more conscious of my drivers. I’m hoping this will help me to keep them in their helpful zone…….I’ll share how this goes!
In the meantime I’d love to hear about your drivers. Which do you recognise and relate to? How do you keep yours in the helpful zone?
Heya i’m for the first time here. I found this board and I in finding It
really helpful & it helped me out a lot. I’m hoping to present one thing back and help others like you aided me.
Somebody essentially help to make seriously articles I’d state.
That is the very first time I frequented your
web page and to this point? I surprised with
the analysis you made to make this actual post amazing.
Magnificent process!
Excellent goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you are just extremely great.
I really like what you have acquired here, really like what you’re stating
and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still care for to keep it smart.
I can’t wait to read much more from you. This is actually a tremendous website.
I really like it when people get together and share ideas.
Great site, continue the good work!
Thanks in support of sharing such a good opinion,
post is good, thats why i have read it completely
If you wish for to increase your experience just keep visiting this web page and
be updated with the newest news update posted here.
Howdy this is somewhat of off topic but I was wanting to know if blogs use
WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML.
I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding knowledge so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience.
Any help would be enormously appreciated!
Hello There. I found your weblog the usage of msn.
This is an extremely smartly written article.
I will be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful info.
Thanks for the post. I’ll definitely comeback.
Genuinely when someone doesn’t be aware of then its up to other
users that they will assist, so here it happens.
My brother recommended I might like this web site. He was entirely right.
This post truly made my day. You can not imagine just how much time I had spent
for this information! Thanks!
I do believe all the ideas you have introduced in your post.
They’re very convincing and will definitely work. Nonetheless, the
posts are too brief for newbies. Could you please extend them a bit from subsequent time?
Thank you for the post.
Hi! Someone in my Myspace group shared this site with us so I came to take a look.
I’m definitely enjoying the information. I’m bookmarking
and will be tweeting this to my followers! Wonderful blog and fantastic design.
I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great.
I don’t know who you are but certainly you are going to
a famous blogger if you are not already 😉 Cheers!
Thank you for another informative web site. The place else may just I get that type of info written in such an ideal manner?
I’ve a mission that I’m just now working
on, and I have been at the glance out for such information.
I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own blog and was curious what all is needed to get setup?
I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
I’m not very internet smart so I’m not 100% certain. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks
My brother suggested I may like this blog. He was once entirely right.
This put up truly made my day. You cann’t consider just
how a lot time I had spent for this info! Thanks!
Howdy! This post could not be written any better! Looking through this article reminds me of my previous roommate!
He continually kept preaching about this. I most certainly
will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he’s going to have a very
good read. I appreciate you for sharing!
Aw, this was a very nice post. Taking a few
minutes and actual effort to produce a superb article… but what can I say… I hesitate a lot
and never manage to get nearly anything done.
Great article, just what I needed.
Good way of telling, and pleasant piece of writing to take data concerning my presentation subject matter, which i
am going to deliver in university.
Valuable information. Lucky me I discovered your site by chance, and I am surprised why
this twist of fate did not took place earlier! I bookmarked it.
Wonderful goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you are
just extremely magnificent. I really like what you have acquired here, certainly like what you’re saying and the way in which you say it.
You make it entertaining and you still care for to keep it smart.
I cant wait to read far more from you. This is actually a great site.
Nice post. I used to be checking constantly this weblog and
I am inspired! Extremely helpful info particularly the last section :
) I care for such info much. I used to be looking for this particular info for a very lengthy time.
Thank you and good luck.
I have been exploring for a bit for any high quality articles or
blog posts on this sort of house . Exploring in Yahoo
I finally stumbled upon this site. Reading this information So i’m satisfied to
exhibit that I’ve an incredibly good uncanny feeling I found out just what I needed.
I so much indubitably will make sure to do not overlook this
website and give it a look on a continuing basis.
Heya i am for the first time here. I found this board and I
find It really useful & it helped me out much.
I hope to give something back and aid others like you aided me.
I blog often and I really thank you for your content.
This great article has truly peaked my interest. I am going to
take a note of your blog and keep checking for new information about once a week.
I opted in for your RSS feed too.
Wow! Finally I got a blog from where I be able to truly obtain useful
data concerning my study and knowledge.
Spot on with this write-up, I seriously believe that this amazing
site needs much more attention. I’ll probably be returning to read more, thanks for the advice!
I think the admin of this site is genuinely working hard in favor of his web
site, because here every material is quality based information.
The other day, while I was at work, my cousin stole my iPad and tested to see if
it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now broken and
she has 83 views. I know this is entirely off topic but I had to share
it with someone!